I had a dream last night.

I haven't had a "baby" dream is over a year or longer. And usually in those dreams I already have a baby. I'm not actually pregnant. You know that show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"? If you watch that show, you soon realize that alot of the stories featured on there are women who have PCOS. The reason I'm even mentioning that is because if I were to get pregnant naturally the chances of me knowing right off are slim. I could go weeks or longer not knowing I'm with child. I don't think I could go 9 months though. Haha!

 So in my dream I was 24 weeks along when I discovered I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test & it came out positive & then I went to the Dr for him to confirm it. I was wearing one of those old maternity moo-moo dresses with the big bow around the neck. Haha! I was at the doctor waiting on the results & an ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. Imagine finding out you are pregnant & what you are having in the same day! I wasn't telling anyone, until I had the Doctor's say so & I was going to announce it on facebook.

 It would be nice for this dream to come true. In my devotion today it talked about dreams that God has placed in your heart. I know the desire to be a Mom is a dream that He placed there. It's been there since I was a little girl, playing with my first baby doll. I didn't seek out this dream. It's not something I searched for. Nothing sparked it. It was there from the beginning of me. So I know He alone put it deep in my heart. It's the only dream I have ever known, besides becoming a wife & that dream was fulfilled on May 12th, 2000. I can remember before meeting Daniel, I didn't know if I would ever get married, but I knew I would be a Mom. As a teen I saw an ad in a magazine that was for artificial insemination. I thought then & there "Even if I don't get married, I will do that! I'll go to a sperm bank & have babies on my own." Of course I was a very naive teen in my thinking, but the point is, I knew that being a Mom would definitely be a part of my adult life.

This was a line from my devotion today "Some people set them (dreams) out of sight so they don't have to think about them anymore. And some people finally just give up on their dreams because it hurts too much to hold on." I have set this dream as far out of sight as I can muster & it definitely hurts too much to hold on. I pray all of the time that God would take this dream away from me, if it's not to be fulfilled. I'm hoping this new year that if this dream is going to come true, that doors will open & the path will become straighter...Clearer. That I will feel deep down in my heart of hearts that holding on to that dream is not worthless or pointless. That keeping this dream alive is for something more beautiful than I ever imagined. We have a "Scripture Board" hanging in the kitchen where it can always be seen. I am the one who chooses the scripture to write on there. But today I asked D to find one. Of course he hem-hawed around about it, but then he finally me told what scripture he wanted to use & this was it....

  Be happy in your hope. Do not give up when trouble comes. Do not let anything stop you from praying. ~Romans 12:12 NLV

BE HAPPY IN YOUR HOPE. I love that. And perfectly fitting. So this year, I'm going to try with all I am, to be happy in my hope, even when hoping is killing me.

Been A Long Time....

This blog has been private for a long time. And it's been a year since I last posted anything. So much was going on in my life & the last place I could allow my heart to go was anywhere near "baby stuff." Having the blog open, also let people be able to email me about their infertility struggles & honestly, I just had nothing to say or give to them.

In November 2010 D lost his job. I had a dr's appointment scheduled to see about surgery. That of course had to be canceled since we lost our insurance also. D got a new job within the month, but it was in Memphis. He began commuting, while I packed up our home. I was struggling with this move, but excited for D since it was a dream job. In the back of my mind I held on to the idea that just maybe Memphis was the place we would finally begin our family. After 10 weeks of D living in Memphis during the week, it turned into a nightmare, when he was let go with zero notice. Throughout all of this I was dealing with some health issues & still am.

In those desperate weeks of no job & the possibility of having to move in with my parents we were approached with the idea of adopting a baby boy. Why oh why was the Lord doing this to us now???? I don't understand the ways of the Lord, but I figured if He was bringing this child to us, then He knew it was perfect timing, even though we didn't. After showing interest & trying to not get my heart involved, things didn't work out. But I couldn't understand the purpose of flashing something like that in front of us.

Then after a few months passed & our situation got a little bit better, my friend that contacted me about the baby, said the babies birth mom wanted my phone number because she wanted to talk to me about taking the baby again. The baby boy was a year old. D & I prayed & talked. Prayed & talked somemore. We looked into the cost & legal aspect of it all. I began to really invest emotions & energy into the prospect of bringing this child into our home & lives. But once again things didn't work out. And this time....My emotions got more involved than I had planned. It's very difficult for them not too, especially when it's what your heart desires the most.

I feel jaded & hurt, by so many things. I try not to think of about it all, because if I dwell on it I would just be a big heap of sobs on the floor. So I push on. But I also keep myself secluded because it's easier to deal that way. And honestly, it's not always intentional either. It's just how I cope. I know people get upset with me. I see or hear the jabs. I realize I'm not the greatest friend at times. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I tend to stand back. But while my friends have all gone on in life with raising their children, I have truly been left behind. I don't think they realize the magnitude of it all. Not just the "baby stuff" but also my health also. I don't talk about that stuff either. Because frankly, I don't want too. But there are other things going on in my body besides being infertile. It's easier for me to be alone, I guess than to place my issues on someone else's door step. Sometimes people don't know how to respond when you open up about my health issues...The air becomes awkward when it is revealed. So I don't reveal much or anything at all. I also feel that some of the people I have talked with about the "baby stuff", figure I should be over this by now. I wish I could be over it too. I wish I didn't have to deal with it at all. It is extremely hard to be the only "none" Mom when all of my friends are just that...Moms. I don't have my children to talk about. I don't relate on that level. I think some people feel they are above me, more mature than me, because they are Moms & have experienced that incredibly complicated joy.

We went to see my little cousin get baptized & while I sat in the church next to D, surrounded by tons of people rejoicing at these precious kids publicly proclaiming their dedication to Christ, I had to hold back the tears. One little boy came up & as he was repeating what the pastor was saying, it felt like stabs in my heart. Why can't my child be up there? Why don't I have a child up there? I could. But why don't I? It angers me. I'm mad. I am so mad. I'm mad that I don't. I'm mad that I am not a Mom. That D is not a Dad. That we are out of the loop. That we are not watching our child/children proclaiming their love of Jesus. That now do to circumstances the idea of having a child from my body or adoption seems next to impossible.

I saw an article recently, that said....."Unlike countries where couples can go broke trying to conceive with the assistance of costly medical technology, Israel provides free, unlimited IVF procedures for up to two “take-home babies” until a woman is 45. The policy has made Israelis the highest per capita users of the procedure in the world."
I think I need to move to Israel for awhile! Wow!

But in all honesty....Getting pregnant & giving birth is not the only way I feel I can be a Mom. I don't want anyone to ever think that. It for us was the cheaper way. Adoption is SO expensive. And I hate when people ask that. "Why don't you just adopt?"  Just adopt? Really? Is it that simple? To just la-de-da down the road & pick a baby?  It is NOT that easy. And it's more money that you can imagine. If we were able to, don't you think I would have a house full of children by now? There is no way I would be almost 35 & still no childless.

The other day I was cleaning out the fridge & in the back was a box of injectable fertility meds. It expires in December, but I could not for the life of me throw it away. It feels like I would be throwing away one more piece of the dream.

Right now though......It's all on hold & I don't know if it will ever be pursued again.....Ever. And the idea of that cripples me. I'm hoping & praying that once I can get some of these health issues under control that trying to conceive or whatever way becoming a Mom for me is, can & will be in the future. Besides, I want to turn this blog into one full of life, laughter & love about my children! I am so over being stuck in the muck.

*just a reminder...Please don't comment on Pink Lucy about this blog.*

I just posted this as my status on facebook...


I enjoy reading devotions that are made especially for women, but can I say how absolutely aggravating it is when they talk about being a Mom or how train up your child, ect. So, to the people who write devotions...Not all women are Moms & don't need the daily reminder that they are not. Thank you.




Because of those devotions....I end up more discouraged than encouraged.




I have been silent for a long time....I just don't know where I am in this journey. I sorta feel stranded on a deserted island with no resources at this point. Last year at this time we were right slab dab in the middle of injectables, HCG shots, Dr appointments, vaginal ultra sounds & scheduled everything else, knowing in our hearts that we were about to hear the joyful news we were going to be parents. I honestly do not know why I'm sitting here today & that is not the case. I try not to think about it too much because it is too painful. 


I battle with my thoughts so often. Like...Maybe this is just my lot in life? If so, what am I to do with it now? The boy & girl names, I feel were given to me by the Lord are just going to go to waste. And they are such lovely names. I'm older & set in my ways, maybe I couldn't deal with children now. Why is this desire so strong in my heart? Is it my own flesh longing for something that is just not mean to be? I feel sinful...guilty for thinking that way. I do know my God has a plan for me....I just don't have a clue what it is. Or which direction to go in. So I stand frozen. I'm miserable, dealing with so many things that swirl around in my head, that manifest itself in emotional eating. Always something it seems. 
I hope no one thinks the only way I want to be a Mom is by giving birth. That is not the case at all. I would have a house full of children if there were money to adopt. That has always been in my heart. Maybe it will happen someday. But someday...Is closer everyday & I don't see how it can happen. But what do I know? 


I have also been thinking about making Baby Hopes private....So no one can see these thoughts. I still may do that. I'm just very guarded these days......

One of my very sweet friends sent me this today. I wanted to share it for those that may need to read it. But also I wanted to post it to keep as a reminder to myself.

*Mother's Day*

When I was little this was a day to celebrate my Mom.

As I grew up & began thinking of the future it was a day I looked forward to someday celebrating with my own children. The idea of flowers or a card given to me by chubby little hands warmed my heart.

After I got married, as the first few Mother's Days passed, my longing for a baby grew stronger & the day became one that I anticipated celebrating soon.

Now this day is a day of despair for me. I dread it. The week prior I feel my gut slowly begin to tie into knots. It used to not be easy to go to church on Mother's day for me. I would tear up. But now...I sob throughout, so I choose to stay home. Why get dressed up, go somewhere to cry your eyes out & have to leave? Not my idea of celebrating.

I wonder if I will ever be able to truly embrace this day as a Mom? Everyday there is a reminder that I do not have children. But this is one day of the year that is all about women who are mother's in one way or another. It's not about the gifts or being honored, I could care less about any of that....

It's about being called Mom. What a celebration that is.

I really do not know where I am emotionally. I'm confused. Hurt. Numb. Angry. Crushed. And yes even hopeless.

When we were given such a gift as a free IUI, something we could not afford on our own, it felt like "This is it!" There was no way, we were not going to get pregnant. I mean, why would our Dr offer such a blessing, if it were for nothing? I know I share stuff about our journey on this blog & I will freely talk about stuff if asked. But when we left the Dr's office that morning, I called my Mom & told her to send out a mass e-mail on facebook, telling people to pray. I called my 2 closests friends got them praying & when I got home, I sent out my own e-mail to my fb friends, that knew about our situtation. The response was overwhelming. Everyone was right there, praying. There was such a confidence in knowing there were so many people lifting us up & praying this baby to life. We had no doubt I would become pregnant with that IUI.

On that Friday morning, D & I met the Dr at his office super early. And we told him, we knew this was our day. We were going to create a baby today. And we believed it with all of our heart.
After the IUI, I came home & spent the next day & a half in the bed. You don't have to do that, but there was no way I was going to risk anything. I would lay in the bed for 9 months solid if that is what it would take.

I went a week later to have my progesterone levels checked & they were great! Yay! Another hurdle. But I just know I was pregnant. I was standing on His promises. I was not backing down. This was it! The next week was the longest week ever. I was having some "signs" of pregnancy, but with all the meds & hormones, pumped into me, I get those "signs." I was just believing they were pregnancy symptoms & not side effects. D & I talked as if I were pregnant. We talked about names, how we would tell his parents, that this Christmas would be about getting stuff for the baby & not video games for him. I was thinking about how I was going to prepare 'the kids' for their new human sibling. And then the long list of things we had to get done around the house. Everyday I spent my time thanking the Lord for this precious little one that was growing inside of me. Our true miracle baby.

Friday came....The day for the pregnancy blood work. Aunt Flo was late & then there was all of those "signs." But I was getting anxious...Well, I had been all week. Every time I would get that way, I would just think of all the people standing with us believing. And those that the Lord had prompted to pray for us, even before they knew the reason why. I went & got my blood taken & after I left the Dr's office, I began to cry out to the Lord. I told Him, to please let this be positive. I don't know how I will take it if it were negative. D was home sick, so as soon as I got home, I took a home pregnancy test. D waited with me & it was negative. So, I took another one. Negative. It was over. D kept saying, we still had the results from the blood work to wait on. But I knew, I was not pregnant. I lost it. I was beyond crushed. I broke. I just stood there sobbing. All my hopes & dreams were snatched from me in that moment. I ended up crying myself to sleep & slept for hours. Well, when I woke up to make matters worse, Aunt Flo had decided to arrive, to seal the deal. I stayed in bed crying the rest of the day. My Dr called about 9 that night, to tell me the results of the blood work. And of course they were negative. He talked to me about some other options & wanted to see me on Monday to discuss them further.

I spent the rest of the weekend, hibernating & crying. How could I not be pregnant? How? I do not understand. Out of all the times, wouldn't this be the time for it to happen? Why were we given such a blessing for it to not be fulfilled? I know the things I am going to type here, may not sound logical, but you have to take into account the emotional mind frame I am coming from. I believed with my entire being. I stood on His word. I didn't back down. There were so many people believing with us. So, where did we go wrong? I felt forsaken...Even though I know He will never forsake me. But that is how I felt. It was as if, someone came & literally ripped out all of my hope & there was a huge empty place left. What was the purpose for all of this? I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. But what the heck was the reason for this heartache? I mean really? Come on God! This is ridiculous!!! Someone said to me that I was putting demands on God...No I was believing, just like His word says. I never once said, "You better give me this or else." I don't play that game with Him. I will say, I can't bare this anymore. But I don't make demands. Now how I am going to tell all of these amazing people that the prayers didn't work? I was ashamed & embarrassed to have to say on facebook, that it didn't work. Again...I know that sounds silly. But I could not wait to share our good news with everyone. I had even saved all of those "I'm praying" messages to put in a book for the baby. And what about those confirmations from people, saying I was pregnant. How were so many wrong? It breaks my heart, because I feel like such a failure. All these wonderful people stood with us & believed. Why didn't it work? What is wrong with me that I can not get pregnant? Why am I not worthy enough? In my mind this was our last hope, we were done with it all. Why would He open such a huge door, to allow it to be slammed in our face? None of it makes any sense whatsoever.

I am still an emotional basket case & I feel so incredibly vulnerable. The tears are just "right there." I dreaded going to see the Dr this morning. I was not suppose to be having to do this! I was suppose to be pregnant. And I am at my wits end on every level. I am not going to give up though. Even though every part of me wants to do just that. And as long as my insurance covers all the meds & my Dr thinks I can get pregnant, we will continue.

We are going to be trying a new route. And this one is a bit scarier for me. I don't feel like going into the details. I feel like I put myself out there too much this last time. People knowing when we should know the results can put too much pressure on you. So, I am guarding this one. But I will say this...Praise You Jesus for our insurance. The meds would have cost $800 for 1 month, but with that awesome insurance, it only cost $100.

I do not want anyone to think that I have lost my faith in the Lord. Heavens NO! But like I have said in the past, He knows my heart. He knows my anger, fear, doubts, anxiety, frustration & confusion. Who am I kidding by trying to hide that from Him? He does my thoughts before I think them. I have an honest relationship with my Jesus & I wouldn't want it any other way. Like the last few days, I told him I don't even know what to say to Him. So, I prayed for other people. I am still praising Him in the storm. Even though I feel I am drowning at this point.



This is a super long post, but for the last few months I have been meaning to post this song by Kari Jobe. Now is the perfect time.





Here are the lyrics...
You Are For Me
Kari Jobe


So faithful. So constant.
So loving and so true.
So powerful in all You do.

You fill me. You see me.
You know my every move
and You love for me to sing to You.

I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses

I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

So patient, So gracious,
So merciful and true…
So wonderful in all You do.
You know me. You see me.
You know my every move.
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.

To remind me that
I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You will come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me of who You are.

Thank you everyone that has been praying for D & I over the last couple of weeks. Things didn't work out as we had hoped & believed they would. To say we are heart broken, doesn't even come close. We will need some time to work through all of the emotions. And are not sure exactly where we go from here. Thank you again for all of your prayers, love & concern.